Stoke Charitable Urban Movement (SCUM) is a group of concerned Stoke fans who have got together with the aim of alleviating the suffering and despair that many, if not all, Stoke City supporters will be feeling after their relegation. We aim to give sound and practical advice that above all is easy to understand.
THE INTIAL DESPAIR
You must put it into perspective.
Stoke have spent a total of 57 years in the top flight of the English
league.
Stoke have had some great, great players in their time.
Stoke have attracted the names of some of the top clubs in the world
to play friendlies.
Stoke have provided many England internationals.
Stoke have competed in Europe.
Stoke have enjoyed the greater support in the city of Stoke On Trent.
Given all this they've still only managed to win one national trophy
and that was back in 1972.
Let's face it, relegation is just par for the course. You should be
used to it by now.
GETTING OVER THE INITIAL DESPAIR
Many Stoke fans when faced with their own inadequacies have often resorted
to traditional remedies =96 drinking excessively, writing pathetic letters
to the Sentinel or merely beating up an opposition supporter. Rather than
do this, follow these simple steps:-
One: Find a mirror and stare into it. Don't worry, the frightening
chimeric image that stares piteously back at you is your reflection; it
will not steal your soul, I repeat, it will NOT steal your soul.
Two: Breathe deeply. After about two or three deep breaths you may
feel giddy as you are probably hideously unfit and the exercise may be
a bit too much for you. When the black flashing spots have cleared from
in front of your eyes, try repeating the exercise.
Three: Say to yourself, "I am calm. I am not sad. I have other achievements,
hobbies and interests in my life other than supporting Stoke City." Repeat
several times.
Four: When you realise there is nothing else in your life, go out and
either drink excessively, write a pathetic letter to the Sentinel or beat
up an opposition supporter.
MAKING THE BEST OF IT
Well, always look on the bright side of life as the song goes! You
can always recount the glories of the good old days, despite the fact that
you probably weren't old enough to attend games or remember them. You can
always enjoy yourself endlessly criticising the current regime and players,
despite the fact you haven't been to a game for 43 years.
You could always spend the summer mercilessly repeating the phrase,
"Yes, but we've got more fans than you." You could spend your time writing
pathetic letters to the Sentinel. Hell - treat yourself! Buy a new set
of crayons to do it with.
NEXT SEASON: A BRAND NEW DIVISION!
A brand new division to make friends in! Sorry, going a bit fast there,
making friends and all that is perhaps a bit of an advanced concept.
But there are things to look forward to. You=92ll be able to brag how
you sold all 437 tickets away to Chesterfield. You' ll have delightful
away weekends in Bournemouth, which is apparently very nice in February,
and Blackpool, which is THE place to be in on a windy Tuesday night in
March.
Look forward to being the biggest club in the second (apart from Man
City). Look forward to having won more trophies than any other club in
the second (apart from Man City, Burnley, Blackpool, Burnley etc.).
Look forward to gaining a bad reputation for being truculent with a
completely different set of police forces.
WHAT TO DO IF IT STARTS GOING WRONG
Well as many fat alcoholics have often said, "It's a funny old game."
Just because you have a large number of fans half-belching, half tunelessly
wailing the lyrics to Delilah this is no guarantee of success. If by December
the new manager has not won every game and the FA Cup then you have every
right to ignore the fact the new manager may be trying to build a solid,
skilful side capable of playing attractive football. Instead try writing
pathetic letters asking for any notorious ex gambler of your choice to
be reinstated as your manager so he can build a side that at least works
hard and doesn't concede many goals.
If this doesn't work try boycotting the club in large numbers or not
eating the pies but remember the risks. If the French peasants had eaten
the cake as suggested then perhaps the French revolution would have been
much less bloody.
Thank you for reading this leaflet. We're already working on our publication
for the end of next season, "So You're the Biggest Club in the Third .
. ."